Do you do parenty stuff like this?
Words & phrases I’ve only started using since becoming a parent:
- ‘Nicely’. As in, play ‘nicely’. Eat it ‘nicely’. Walk ‘nicely’. I feel like such a douche as I say it, but what’s the alternative word?! I’m normally saying it loudly so the other parents in the surrounding area can hear I’m at least making an effort.
- ‘Kind’. Usage: ‘That’s not kind, M’ or ‘Ah she’s given you her toy, that’s kind isn’t it?’. At least it gives us a change from ‘nice/nicely’ above.
- ‘Share’. When with other children, this is used pretty much every sentence. In pre-parenting life, this was used for social media and large crisp bags/pizza only.
- ‘Put her down’, as in ‘take her to bed’. This sounds like euthanising a cat to all non-parents.
- ‘Goodies and baddies’. At some stage into our development, we stop needing to distinguish between people we can trust and those who are nasty. At least, we don’t need a name for them anymore. Now all pretend play involves goodies and baddies, and everyone on the telly needs to go into one of those categories too. “Mummy, I think Mister Maker is a goodie.” I’d agree with that. I think Mr Tumble’s a baddie though. Let’s never put him on the telly again.
- ‘In a minute’. I’m not sure I ever really used this pre children. I could probably do whatever it was right now. You know, with the lack of arsing about children require of you. Now this phrase is uttered so often it makes me detest the sound of my own voice, and I wonder whether M will ever understand what a ‘minute’ is as it normally takes me an hour to get round to doing what he’s harping on about.
- ‘Cross’. Because ‘angry’ sounds too harsh. As in: “Mummy’s getting really cross, M.” it’s the same thing as I’M FREAKING FURIOUS but it’s a bit cuter.
Places I’ve only started going as a parent:
- Garden Centres. Oh dear. Is this where it all starts? The slippery slope to perennials and OAP coffee dates? Seriously love our local one though, amazing for burning off toddler steam, fruit and veg, the toys (huuuge Lego selection) and even, dare I say it, coffee and a cake. What’s happened to me?!
- Soft play. The stuff of germ-phobe nightmares. And small, active person heaven. Just be prepared for tears and blood at some point, despite the squidginess of most parts, there WILL be a nosebleed or crash into the one non-squishy pole in the place. You will need to take your life savings for an awful unidentified-orange-stuff and chips lunch though. NEVER go before you’re a parent (I don’t know why you would) – but not even for a birthday party. It will put you off kids for life. Guaranteed a good night’s sleep though – winning.
- Village Halls. I love a good village hall. It transports me back to my many, many hours of dancing lessons, is normally home to some brilliant local characters, smells dodgy but nostalgic, and has every kind of use from baby classes to birthday parties to band practice. Find your local one if you’ve never been, but be prepared to pick rice cake and squished Haribo off your shoes for days after.
- ‘Playdates’. Luckily for me, the friends I have in this area have kids of a similar age to M, so his ‘playdate’ is basically mine too. Hideously pretentious word though (almost in the same league as ‘selfie’, bleurgh), and I fear for a future of organised fun at houses where I’m forced to get on with the parents just because our little darlings have hit it off. “Mummy needs to pop and buy some quinoa at Waitrose after your playdate at Tiberius’ house. Yah.”
- The doctors. Ok, so clearly I had been before children, but not every sodding week. I’m on gossip terms with the receptionists now, and we have a favourite chair and magazine (they never change, and God forbid if it’s not there). Sad times.
On this magical rollercoaster of parenting wonderment, I’m sure I will have many more to add. What’s new to your vocabulary? Where have you started going since children entered your lives? Go oonnnn, give us a giggle.