A short (and awkward) note to Ed Sheeran’s Mum.

Sun 26 Mar 17 | Just for Fun | 0 comments

Dear Mrs Sheeran,

Happy Mother’s Day! Clearly you’re not my Mum as you don’t even know me. But I have something pretty important I need to talk to you about. You know, Mum to Mum. About your Ed.

The first thing I must say is that I think your son is incredibly talented and I absolutely love his new album. Castle on the Hill is particularly poignant in my opinion. (Although he shouldn’t be racing down country lanes at 90mph, no matter how well he knows them. Tsk.) Seriously well done on all the raising a superstar and generally very decent young lad stuff.

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it.

I think Ed might have a teensy weensy bit of a drink problem.

I realise that as a busy, working mum of two children under 4, I should have better things to do with my time than count up the alcohol references in his last three albums – but I think that only goes to show how worried I am about my favourite singer/songwriter.

There are 59* references to drinking, being drunk, bars, even smoking the naughty stuff, in his last 3 albums of 36 tracks.

59!

I mean, I know he’s still about 22 or something, and trust me – I’ve been there with the whole downing pints / tequila suicide / Fuzzy Duck drinking days, but the fact it’s all coming out in his music, to the general public, is a bit of a cry for help isn’t it?

Or maybe he’s just young and I’m ancient. I don’t know. Sure, us parents are guilty of going overboard with the vino on a shrieky teatime playdate, and I like a couple of strong G & Ts at the end of a long week as much as the next person, but each time an Ed song comes on the radio all I can hear is DRUNK DRINK BOOZE! Does he spend all his time in the pub when he’s not in the studio?! Imagine what he’ll be like when he’s father to a toddler or two and he’s in charge at teatime!

I’m sure you’re all over it – you seem like a lovely family. I just like the chap and would quite like him to look after himself so he can carry on writing awesome songs that will be played forever. I hate all this throwaway gangsta’ tripe on the radio at the moment.

Anyway, keep an eye on how much Prosecco he necks at the Mother’s Day roast. Just thinking out loud.

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Image credit: Shutterstock (editorial use only)

*My workings out:

Album +

The A Team – I’ll let him off every ref, it’s all about drugs – (not his consumption though to be fair) = 1

Drunk – it’s all about drink… I wanna be drunk when I wake up / wishing I was sober / Maybe I’ll get drunk again x 3 / open bottles of beer but never champagne / Maybe I’ll get drunk again x 3 / I’m just drunk again x 3. = 12

UNI – I get high, smoke away the days / still drunk at the end of the night / I don’t drink like everyone else I do it to forget / = 3

Grade 8 – This drink is a liver killer / = 1

Wake Me Up – But you drink as much as me and I get drunk a lot / = 1

Small Bump – NONE

This – NONE

The City – NONE

Lego House – NONE

You Need ME I don’t Need You – if I’m smoking on a crack pipe = 1

Kiss Me – NONE

Give Me Love – ‘blood turns into alcohol’ / after my blood is drowning in alcohol /= 2

 21 in 12 tracks

Album X

One – stumbling off drunk x 4 = 4

I’m a Mess – drinking just to suppress emotion – 1

Sing – Glass on the side / something to drink / water filled with tequila / drunk all of it now not sobering up = 4

Don’t – bottle of gin / drink away the days = 2

Nina – no drink refs but smoking stuff! = 1

Photograph – NONE!

Bloodstream – sipping on red wine / chemicals burn in my bloodstream x 2 / thought I’d find her in a bottle – 4

Tenerife Sea – NONE!

Runaway – a drink at 9 / = 1

The Man – if I depend on cider and drink / lighting a spliff = 2

Thinking Out Loud – NONE

Afire Love – NONE

 19 in 12 tracks

Album ÷

Eraser – whisky with white lies = 1

Castle on the Hill – getting drunk with my friends / buy cheap spirits and drink them straight / not thrown up in so long = 3

Dive – NONE

Shape of You – The club… the bar / doing shots drinking fast / = 2

Perfect – NONE

Galway Girl – Jamie as a chaser/ Jack for fun / Arthur on the table / Johnny riding shotgun / one more drink at the bar / last orders / closing time / smoke whisky and wine / another bottle of wine = 9!

Happier – walk inside a bar / nursing an empty bottle / = 2

New Man – we sipped champagne out of cider cans / drinks beer but has a 6 pack / = 2

Hearts Don’t Break Around Here – NONE

What Do I Know? – NONE

How Would You Feel – NONE

Supermarket flowers – NONE

 = 19 in 12 tracks

  21 + 19 + 19 = 59 references in his last 3 albums (36 tracks).

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