12 Facepalm Moments That Shout ‘You’re a Parent!’
I’ve had a few moments of late where I feel like I’m living in someone else’s shoes. A far more grown-up, more responsible, really parenty pair of shoes. Probably those comfy but not very trendy ones with the thick wedgey white soles now I think about it… I know we’re all making it up as we go along, and I’m no different. My crisis about whether to let my 4 year old go to the toilet on his own in a department store cafe is evidence of just that. But a lot of the time, you get used to the daily responsibilities that parenthood asks of you and just trundle along lurching from one decision to the next in a numbed-by-tired-and-years-of-practise kind of way. But there are times where the fact I’m actually somebody’s parent hits me square in the face like a slapstick step on a rake… Like these: 1. When I’m making a quick tea for him to eat in the car on the way to a hobby like swimming. All these words I’ve just typed are words of another real life Mum, yeah? Not me, no. I still get drunk on weekends and listen to Armand Van Helden, innit. 2. When you actually hear yourself saying “1…2….2 and a half”. PARENT. 3. Looking round schools. For my own child. Oh my my. Wasn’t only a few years ago we were rolling our skirts and comparing packed lunches? 4. Picking up someone else’s child from school. If that ain’t a slap round the face you-better-not-muck-this-up terrifying responsibility then I had a lie-in til 9am this morning. 5. The dreaded: “Mummy, how did Little P actually get out of your tummy?” Ummmm. *searches around for another real adult to explain*. At least it wasn’t get INTO. But that there is a true parenting-gulp moment. (I told him the truth by the way, thankfully I could tell him that a nice doctor helped her out the sunroof) 6. On the subject of early wake-ups saying “The good thing is that I get so much done before the day starts, you know – bit of cleaning, catching up on email, sorting washing. I really get on top of everything”. Parenty loser alert! There is NOTHING good about being up at the crack of a sparrow’s fart. Of course you’d rather be disorganised and well rested you sad old person you. 7. When an offer of a big night out is too scary based on the probably hangover plus children. So you don’t go out. In pure self-preservation. 8. When your son starts reading on his own out of the blue and you want to cry but daren’t speak or breathe in case you break the pure magic that is happening in front of your very eyes! How did I grow a person who can read to meeeeeeee?! Happy sob! 9. When your other half gives you a lie-in and you feel so refreshed that you glance at your clock, see 8.06am and say ‘yessssss’. Sad sob. 10. When you let four children trash the house in a hyper state while you sit amongst the chaos having a teatime vino on a Monday with a Mum mate. Mostly whilst discussing how on earth we got old enough to do this. 11. When you exchange a natural conversation with your partner spelling words out instead of saying them, using words like ‘cross’ instead of ‘pissed off’, and numbers for your toilet trips. And the kids aren’t even in earshot. 12. When someone asks you what you did at the weekend and you reply, “oh, it was quite a chilled one really.”, yet actually you mean… “I didn’t sit down for approx 39 hours juggling two kids, house jobs, birthday parties, home ‘learning’, a food shop, some exercise, but oh hang on – we watched a film. But I fell asleep.” What moments give you an out of body experience as a parent?!